I'm on my first big trip alone. I went to Nashville for a conference for work. I'm at Vanderbilt University which has a beautiful campus, though the weather is very, very warm and humid.

Nashville is an, uh, odd town. It's very spread out and in spots it's feel much smaller than it is. Some of the residents have been surprisingly friendly, others have been a little slow and unhelpful, but not rude like they are in Chicago. My hotel was a bad choice, since they have few amenities and are far from the college, but that was my fault for not doing more research.

Being here just underscore my need to figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life. The sessions are actually great, but I have so little interest in my job that it's difficult to work up the enthusiasm.

I miss Andy and Surly. Walking up in a strange place has been disconcerting. I have to sleep with the TV on or else I wake up at every little noise. I feel so bad about myself lately. This morning when I looked in the mirror, I saw my mother's face and overweight body. I thought about how much she hated herself, from the way she looked to her "mousy" personality and lack of adventure. I simultaneously hated her and myself. I had to tell myself that I'm not her, that she wouldn't have done half of the things I have. I also have to tell myself not to be so hard on her either. She did the best that she could, and I think that in the end she loved her life as best she could.

Well, yesterday was just horrible. The dog started peeing blood and I couldn't get ahold of Andy because his cellphone was in an area with bad connection. I had to call my sister to take me to the emergency vet. I was very upset and said some very stupid things I very much regret now. I pretty much made myself sick over the whole affair, and I stayed home to watch Surly. The vet said he has a bladder infection and gave Surly antibiotics and sent us on our mery way. His seems a little better, but he's a little lethargic and isn't eating much.

Andy did get a new car last night, although I haven't seen it yet. He said that driving it home seemed like a dream, like he couldn't believe that this nice car was really his. I know he's really pleased and he was having fun playing with all the doodads they gave him, like chosing CDs to put in his CD case.

Speaking of dreams, I think I dreamt about cats last night. I vaguely remember talking to Andy (in my sleep!) about "the cat." I remember him saying, "What cat?" Then I realized I had been dreaming and told him, "Never mind."

I am tired as hell and I don't feel well at all.

God, what a crappy day already.

This morning it was my turn to walk the dog and I awoke to thunder and lightning. Surly, god bless him, did not push to be walked, so I was able to wait until after the rain had stopped (mostly) before taking him out. This, however, messed up my usual morning routine and I was late to work by 15 minutes.

Andy is not having a great day either. His poor car, which needs body work badly, now also has a rapidly decaying transmission. All this in a car not even five years old. And so he is contemplating a new car, although it will be yet another expense for him. I feel terrible, because I know I'm not helping much monetarily. I do wish I was making as much money as I was at my last job. I figured out last night that I would be taking home something like $400 extra a month. It's not so much that I want so many things, just that I would like to get out of debt and make more of a contribution to the household.

[OK, so I just met with my boss, and I can see a ray of hope. If we move over to another department, as she wants, I might be able to move into a web master position. Hurray! Now I just need to get into school...]

I switched my journal back to Livejournal and moved all of my entries back. As weird as this may sound, I feel weird having two journals like this and I've decided to use the Livejournal site for my personal online journal and the Blogger journal for something else, to be decided later. Part of the reason I decided to do this was because of a spoof I saw (of all things). The spoof was a blog done by a famous comic book villain done in the style of most online journals, which is whiny, teen-angsty, and full of "wry" comments about life.

Wow, I thought, online journals are for the most part, complete bullshit.

Now I know this isn't news and to be honest, I'm not really sure of the value of pouring my heart out for the entire world to see, copy, paste and send in emails as a gag to their friends. I fully realize my compulsive need to communicate and be heard. I know it's a cry for attention and acceptance. But then again, the idea that there are real people out there on the Internet reading this or any other site is almost not comprehensible to me. I read posts on messageboards or emails from strangers on lists and the very faceless impersonality of it boggles me. So to me this might as well be a private journal, because I simply can't imagine anyone reading this.

OK, so anyway, here's what's new. Andy and I are going to see the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, probably against our better judgement. The reviews we've read so far are mixed. The review on Ain't It Cool is especially worrying. Nonetheless, we are going, so I will post a review tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, the maids will be coming in the morning for the first time. Yes, Andy got frustrated with cleaning the apartment and hired maids to come twice a month. I'm not happy with this, because it seems, well, snooty, like I'm too good to clean my own house. Besides, I hate the idea of a stranger pawing through my things - it's not about stealing, although I'm worried about that vaguely, but more about feeling violated and being embarrassed that I wasn't adult enough to clean up after myself. That's weird, too, I know, because most people I know would be more than happy to have someone else clean up after them. But Andy is paying for this and it will be nice to have a super-clean house for the group to game in tomorrow.

Last bit of news for me is that I am almost finished with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and I liked it so much that I was thinking of making a d20 Modern Setting based on it.

That reminds me that the web sites are calling my name. I have so much to work on - eris404.com is OK for now (although the pictures from San Francisco need to be added), but I have chosen new colors and a new design for daggerhome.com, which sorely needs to be updated. It looks like Oneiros is on hold indefinitely, since I can't seem to get Terry interested for more than ten minutes at a time (sorry, Terry, but it's true!).
I have another D&D campaign that I will be designing and I hope to play it soon.

I've been interested in doing more visual art. I've never been a great artist, but Agnes recommended a great bug book to me. I wasn't really a fan of bugs until I met Gene and saw his collection of dead insects (that sounds creepy, doesn't it?). Anyway, a little of his enthusiasm for insects rubbed off on me and I bought this book so that I can draw insects. I hope to scan my drawings (if they're good) to use as art on the daggerhome site. I also want to take picture of the miniatures I've been painting and put those online, too. Add some glyphs or runes of some kind and the site will look much nicer. Also, Andy's digital camera could come in handy - maybe I could just take some cool pictures to use, too.

I wish I had more time to work on stuff like this.

Andy is still in a great deal of pain. The medication makes him very groggy - he called me at work and half of the time I couldn't understand him. But then again, maybe I'm just going deaf. I hate talking on the phone. I don't know if it's my hearing or if the connection is just that bad. Cellphones are the worst, of course. I don't know how people can walk around and still hold a conversation on one of those things. Most of the time I just say, "I can't hear you! Hello?!?"

Anyway, on one of the email lists to which I belong, there was a short discussion on a servitor called Fotamecus. I decided to do a quick search on the name and came up with a brief history and a couple of short rituals/uses for the servitor. On a side note, the servitor was designed to be viral (that is, able to make copies of itself), and in a nice bit of irony, I found the same description and ritual copied word for word on multiple web sites over and over again.

I won't give the history of Fotamecus, since anyone with access to a search engine can find it. The basic description of Fotamecus is that it is a servitor (a spirit made by a magickian or group of magickians to do one or two small magickal tasks) that can compress and expand time. As someone who is habitually late and never seems to have enough free time, this was a pretty useful construct. I decided to start using it this morning, especially since I was running late. I got to the station at 8:30 and it usually takes 40-45 minutes to get to the destination station and another 5 minutes to get to my office. I got into my office at 9:10 - not great, but not bad either. I then set the servitor to compress my work day, but so far it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference. I'm going to continue to use it though, to give it time to adjust to me.

Stayed home from work today. I wish I could say I was doing something pleasant, but the truth is, Andy was quite sick. He may be passing kidney stones. I can't imagine the kind of pain he must be in. We took him to the emergency room, which did almost nothing for him. I cleaned the bathrooms and did some laundry. Even though we have air conditioning, it was rather hot today and I could feel it keenly. It was difficult to get in the mood to do anything when I'm all hot and sweaty. So we watched a very good movie (although very sad) called Moonlight Mile. I feel slightly depressed from it.

I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. Having the day off, no matter how unpleasant the circumstances, was a relief in a way.

Lots to catch up on.

First, I went to visit my dad this weekend for Father's Day and was surprised and dismayed to see how unhappy many of my siblings are in their marriages. My dad on thw other hand is quite happy - I don't know how he does it. He and my mom got along so well and if she hadn't died, I'm sure they'd still be together. My dad and my stepmom have been together for over ten years now, and although they've had some rough times, too, they seemed genuinely happy with each other and their lives. He just finished an addition on their house, which looks amazing. They have a 2-bedroom ranch house on which he built a huge living room, foyer and a porch. It's mostly finished now with only exception being the flooring. For the party on Sunday, Dad laid out a carpet remnant and moved his furniture into the new room. Once he has the cash he will be putting down hardwood floors. I can't tell you how peaceful his house is. With the windows open, a constant breeze came through, keeping the whole house cool in 90-degree weather. He put in skylights to make the rooms brighter. The lawn is immaculately kept and my stepmother has a garden full of huge flowers. My dad lives in the country, where there is little traffic and few neighbors. About the only noise we heard was the sound of the raceway from the distant fairgrounds. It's no wonder he's happy with such tranquil surroundings. I can't imagine a better place for him to live.

My brother Bob seems to be recovering well. He just had his first anniversary - 1 year without alcohol. He's been making art again, through his wielding, and made a fountain for my stepmom. If I can find some copper bowls, he'll make one for me, too. It was good to see him, especially looking so happy and healthy. I guess not everyone is unhappy, maybe it just seems like it because I have been, too. Also, it was just a weird weekend in general. All sorts of small, petty annoyances happened. We went to a local food festival that just seems to be floundering. Last year it seemed like they had 4 or 5 food vendors, but only 3 this year and a very poor turnout. People were rude. My sisters were squabbling, sort of. I lost an earring from the set my sister Diane had just given to me that morning for my birthday. We went to see my other sister's band play that night, but it was in a bad bar and the band was so drunk that they could hardly keep time. Through it all my dad smiled and chuckled, too good-natured to let anything keep us down for too long.

Meanwhile, work has been better. I feel like I am getting my ass in gear and since our student worker is only here 3 days a week, I have a little more to do on the days she's not here. That's a good thing. I like to be busy. I am promising myself that I will start school in the second summer session. I'm also working on a redesign of onw of my web sites, too. Speaking of web sites, I'm thinking about making one for my dad's contracting business. He won't use a computer, so I'm not sure it would be the most useful of sites.

Tonight I have to go to dinner with my boyfriend and his bosses. Even though I've done this before, it still makes me nervous. I hate getting dressed up, for one thing and for another I'm never sure what to say. Last night I dreamt that we forgot about the dinner and had only 10 minutes to pick up the drycleaning, get dressed and get to the restaurant. I hate dreams like that, because I wake up panic-stricken. I'm sure it will be just fine, that I am worrying over nothing, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I didn't draw a card today.

Boy, today was educational, to put it mildly. I learned that a whole lot of people who work in my office are very unhappy.There's a lot of frustration going around, much more than I had thought, and I am not the only one feeling it. We had an interesting chat this morning and compared notes for about two hours.

Additionally, Andy has been having a tough time of it. A long-time family friend died last week after a long illness, and his grandfather died yesterday morning after a surgery. Neither were in good health, but it doesn't make it any easier. Also, his mom is taking this very hard, which in turn makes it very hard for him. It's not that she means to put more stress on him, just that he feels powerless to help ease her pain.I didn't either of them well, but they were always very kind to me, especially Martin (his grandfather). Martin used to send us a newsletter every month or so and wrote about health issues, about the need to be active and exercise, and about being mindful of others. His last newsletter was about the need to make peace with one's family, to not let arguments and grudges linger. I used to put his newsletters on our refridgerator and I realized today that there wouldn't be any more newsletters and I suddenly felt very, very sad.

Coincidentally, I was reading an interview today on Strange Horizons with a science fiction author, M. John Harrison. I haven't read any of his work, but the interview made me want to find some of his books. Anyway, one of the thing he said struck a chord in me:

My feeling about escapist fiction has softened a little down the years but it has never really changed. I think it's undignified to read for the purposes of escape. After you grow up, you should start reading for other purposes. You should have a more complicated relationship with fiction than simple entrancement. If you read for escape you will never try to change your life, or anyone else's. It's a politically barren act, if nothing else. The overuse of imaginative fiction enables people to avoid the knowledge that they are actually alive...once you have understood escapist fiction and the culture of escape you begin to go further back and ask what it is they're based on. What they're based on is desire. I'm as much a fantast as anyone else in our community. Despite rumors to the contrary, I'm a romantic and an idealist. What I write seems bleak, but it stems from my understanding of what people are: this raw, raging, aching bundle of desire. Of course we have to learn to handle that, both as writers and people...the hidden political assumption in my work from "Settling the World" on is that if you want things to be better than they are then you have to go out and build a better world. It's no good yearning; you have to take charge.

Then, I was reading in a book (Mad Ship, by Robin Hobb) today, and one of the characters has an insight into his life. He is a boy who spent most of his childhood training to be a priest. After his grandfather dies, his father forces him to be ship's boy onboard his family's ship. He doesn't this life and conflicts with his father continually. Eventually pirates take over the vessel and he is put in the position of caring for the pirate captain, who has lost a leg. The boy traies to befriend the pirate's woman, but she doesn't trust him. In order to win her trust and understanding, he tries to explain that he is really a priest, that he did not choose to be a sailor. She tells him:

You can't go back. That part of your life is over. Set it aside as something finished. Complete or no, it is done with you...accept your life and you might survive it. If you hold back from it, insisting that this is not your life, not where you are meant to be, life will pass you by. You may not die from such foolishness, but you might as well be dead for all the good your life will do you or anyone else.

Oh, jeeze, they might as well have been speaking/writing directly to me. I spend so much of my life in fantasy that I am scarcely here. It is very hard for me not to daydream about other people I wish I was or lives I wish I was living. Sometimes I feel like this isn't really my life. But here I am, suddenly 32 years old, and as afraid of my life as I was when I was 12. Andy's grandfather loved his life. Up until the end he walking and exercising and writing. His life was a verb. All of these things together, Martin's death, this interview, the book, aren't a coincidence. It isn't often that the universe gives you a personal message, and so I had better listen.

Tarot card: 5 of Swords (defeat)

I'm feeling that today. Technology is sucking today. I couldn't get onto Blogger last night and today I'm getting timeout errors. I'm feeling very irritable today - every little thing seems so damn annoying. I can't think of a damn thing to say that isn't whining about one stupid thing or another. The most exciting thing I can say is that I got new underwear. It's surprising how something so small and insignificant can make such a difference. I did power walk this morning, but I skipped the yoga in the evening to play more Baldur's Gate. Small steps, I guess. I didn't want to talk about weight loss, because this is an ongoing issue I have. I've filled volumes of journals talking about how much I want to lose X pounds (where X is an ever-increasing number). It's boring to write about it and even more boring to read about it.

But it seems dishonest not to talk about it either. Somehow, by not being open here feels like being dishonest to myself. Yeah, it's difficult. I feel pessimistic about my chances for success on this, because I feel this weird kind of pessimism in my life. I am somehow hopeful and doubting at the same time. I used to be a lot more optimistic and I can tell it wanes. Maybe it started with the economy and getting laid off, or maybe it's the state the world is in right now. Maybe it's both, plus the untreated depression I suffer from periodically. I actually had a panic attack Sunday night, something I haven't had for a couple of years, and I had to take a sleeping pill in order to get to sleep (something I very rarely do). Yeah, I'm worried and I have a lot of anxiety, about my life and my future. I always have. I don't think that's going to change with or without treatment. It's just part of my chemistry. I just hate feeling paralyzed or powerless to change anything else about my life.

Yeah, I know this is what the card is about, self-defeat that is. I live with this feeling I'm not going to win so I should just give up now. No matter how optimistic I am at the beginning, my endurance fails and I just stop. I can't figure out how to keep going, and every task seems enormous and far too difficult. I get tired of struggling.

I am tired. I think I'll go to bed.

Tarot card: 8 of Wands (swiftness)

I use the Thoth deck for my readings, and the design on this card looks like the Chaos Sphere, a symbol used by Chaos Magickians to represent (among other things) a model of the universe and the 8 magicks. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because I am intending upon making a personal magick system by cobbling things together from lots of different sources. For example, this person, who goes by Kite, has a lovely list of archetypes that correspond to the 8 magicks on his web site - just nicely put.

[Wow, uh, I just got the worst call. A woman called here looking for a "Timothy" (and no one by that name is here of course). When I told her that, she said that she was going "to bust him up" and that she was going to "bust" me up, too, and called me a "bitch," then hung up. What a cunt. No wonder Timothy is fucking someone else, you ugly whore. How dare you call my home and threaten me, especially when I have done nothing to you. May you die a horrible, rotting death from whatever STD Timothy gives you, crackhead.]

OK, so where was I? Oh, yeah, enlightenment. So I was saying, there are 8 magicks, each with a corresponding color and association with one of the classical planets. There are other associations, too, like day of the week, gods, plants, whatever. My first step is to match up associations and make a table of correspondances for my own use. Mostly this is pretty easy, because Crowley did all of the hard work, but I wanted to match the magicks with the major chakras (as we see them in West - I have no idea how historically accurate this information is, so I'm guessing it isn't). The chakras are matched up like this, from highest to lowest:

Sahasrara (crown) - purple
Ajna (third eye) - indigo
Visuddha (throat) - blue
Anahata (heart) - green
Manipura (navel) - yellow
Svadisthana (genitals) - orange
Muladhara (root) - red

[all apologies to learned gurus everywhere for my igorance.]

I'm not so worried about that there are 7 chakras and 8 magicks. The 8th magick, octarine, is sort of an all-encompassing energy, so it doesn't matter that it doesn't fit into this schema. What bothers me is the placement of Luna and Mercury. In the colors of magick, Mercury's color is orange and Luna's is blue. In the chakras, Mercury is associated with the throat chakra and Luna the navel. As you can see, their colors are switched in between systems. I'm not sure that I can rectify this discrepancy. I know that others have been trying to incorporate chakras into other systems, such as the Tree of Life, but without much success. It might be one of those things that simply can't be resolved. Or maybe it has been resolved by someone and I just haven't come across it yet. It's one to sleep on, I suppose.

Tarot card: The Magus

Today officially ends my birthday celebrations. Andy bought me a flourless chocolate cake from Bittersweet Cafe and we had the group over to game. We were playing Gene's game: yes, I play RPGs and specifically, yes, I play Dungeons and Dragons. Some people bought me presents: I got The DaVinci Code from Rob, a ton of graphic novels from Terry and Agnes and Marsha made me earrings and a bracelet. I was very touched, especially since I didn't expect anyone to give me anything, I just wanted to have friends around.

I didn't think the day was going to be a good one, actually. When I woke up, I felt fat and ugly and this was amplified when I went to get my haricut this morning. I didn't like my new haircut at first, and it was disappointing, but now I think I'm growing to like it. At any rate, I'm starting to feel better about my life overall. Having this party and feeling the love from my friends and Andy, who works so hard, makes me realize that I've been a shit. I've wallowed so much in the stupid shit that I think about myself that I forget about other people and what they're going through. I know we can all be asses at times, but I think I've had more than my fair share of assholishness for a long while.

I was thinking about Mercury today, which is funny because I drew the Magus card, which is associated with Mercury. I happened to see something about Mercury that said it completes its revolution around the sun every 88 days. I think that is magically significant, or should be, since that is more or less every 3 months or once a season (here in the North America that is). Considering the Magus is "He who Makes Shit Happen," I think that, like the Soltices and Equinoxes and New and Full Moons, the turning of Mercury should be celebrated in some way and used for the magickal energy it creates. Maybe every time Mercury enters Gemini (since I am a Gemini), that could be a potent time for magickal workings or maybe just a creative time in general. This is something I will need to investigate further

Tarot card: 7 of wands (valor)

In a classic bonehead move today, rather than cleaning the house for the company we're having over tomorrow, I instead played Baldur's Gate 2 until 10 pm. At least I got to the shadow dragon (but it kept killing me).

Today was a weird day. I got my new shoes, but they are very tight. I would take them back except I got them online and I would have to pay to ship them back anf I couldn't guarantee that I'd even get my money back. Even getting a new pair in a larger size could take 2-4 weeks. This makes me very angry, and I'm not sure what to do about it. At work, we have a new dress code that has everyone concerned. No one is sure what is considered to be appropriate dress and again, I'm angry. Then, I have a convention in Nashville at the end of July that I am just dreading.

I'd rather be playing games, that's for sure. The card says to be brave, but I don't feel it. I don't feel like I am trusting my instincts or standing by my convinctions, as Arriens says about the 7 of wands. I just want to hide most of the time and pretend like nothing is going on.

Tarot card: The Chariot

On this day, at 3:25 am, 32 years ago, I was born.

I asked my dad if he remembered anything about that day, and he said he remembered driving mom around in the car awhile before going to the hospital. She dreaded the hospital, so the less time she spent there, the better. He said as little girl I was talker. My younger sister, Rachel, would get made because she could never get a word in when I was around.

Overall, this had been a good day. Andy delivered me a special meal, filet mignon, served at our dinner table (we usually eat in front of the TV unfortunately). I got presents, too: a grill from Andy's mom and stepdad and from Andy, the third season of Buffy the Vampire on DVD. I love this show, and I was so sad to see it end this year. I have such a soft spot for Buffy/Sarah Michelle Geller, and seeing her sweet and impossibly pretty face on the cover made me feel so happy.

Because it's my birthday, I've been thinking a lot about my life - what I've done, what I haven't done, what I'd like to do. I've set a lot of goals for myself, some embarrassing(lose 40 pounds), some spiritual (practice magick every day), some creative (write every day). I decided that part of my fullfillment of that last goal would be this journal. My goal is to write a little something each day (and every day) for the next year, birthday to birthday. It's a challenge I hope I'm up to facing.

The tarot card above is the symbol not just for this day, but my whole year, according to Angeles Arrien, the author of The Tarot Handbook. She says it means change, amd that in times of change it is necessary to incorporate "quietude" with activity. This is a year of big changes, she says, which could mean moving or changing jobs, but that changes should be positive and "nuturing."

Well, I don't want to move. I love it here in this home that Andy and I have made together, and I don't want to leave it any time soon. As for my job, well...I wouldn't want to leave the university without getting a Master's Degree first, if I could at all help it.

But I have been thinking about my job. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. I was reading an article in Wired that made me think about what I would like to do a little more closely. The article was about Silicon Valley and the GenX people, like me, who lost their jobs during the Internet bust. The people interviewed talked about their new jobs and said things like, "It's just a paycheck now."

The article was supposed to be somewhat positive. In the context of the whole article, this attitude was a good thing, because it meant that people weren't married to their jobs or going crazy creating start-ups that would ultimately flounder and leave them penniless. But what it also meant was that they weren't in love with their jobs either.

I was in love with my job, and two years later, I still mourn it. I never thought that I could have a job that I honestly and truly loved. I felt so damn lucky that I found something that stimulated me, that allowed me to be creative and enthusiastic and to learn something every day. Looking back on it, I should have seen the warning signs. I was blissfully unaware of how the company (actually, companies) was run. It didn't matter to me that I had coworkers whose job titles were nonsense and whose job descriptions were vague. I could give a rat's ass less about what anyone else did as long as I was allowed to code in peace. I dreamt code. I lived to see a site go live, to type the URL into the address line of the browser and see my work "in the flesh," so to speak. This still excites me to this day, to see the sites I work on as freelancer come alive.

My job at the university is stable, but my heart is definitely not in it. I know this has to change, because it is affecting how I feel about myself. Andy tells me all the time that I am not my job - and he's right - but considering that I spend 40+ hours per week there, more time than I truly spend with Andy or my friends or my family, I can't discount any longer the effect it has on me. I have to move forward.

Sun in Aquarius, Moon in Pisces

Trying something new again - I downloaded a free astrology program called Astrolog to keep track of daily transits and positions. Anyone interested can download it here:

http://www.astrolog.org/astrolog.htm

I'm feeling energetic and creative today and I have several projects I want to start. My web site have been languishing far too long and deserve some attention, as does the site I've made for Oneiros, the D&D campaign setting I'm making with Terry. I just finished a freelance site I worked on with Guido and hope to be paid soon. He found another project for a client in London - it's sounds like it will be quick and easy and a little extra cash to boot. I can't wait to start on that either. The sooner we're finished, the sooner we'll get paid.

Andy is leaving on a business trip this week, so I have mixed feelings. I will miss him a lot, but I hope I spend the time wisely. Some stuff I plan on doing while he's gone: write, write, write! Practice the ceremonial magick exercises more deeply. Exercise. Do yoga. Paint my miniatures for my game. Get Valentine's Day decorations and presents.

journaling

I can't for the life of me figure out what to write here, although I have felt a urge to write something for the last few days. I haven't even really written in my personal (offline) journal for a couple of days - time still is eluding me. I wonder why it is so difficult to maintain any kind of schedule. What is it about me that can't consistently get up at the same time every day and maintain a routine? My first response is laziness and then maybe simple inertia, but sometimes I wonder if there is something more subtle or subsconscious at work within me.

Journaling is a strange process for me. I don't really seem to say anything in my journals. Much of my private ones are simply self-doubt repeated over and over or lists of things I need or want to do - pretty dull reading for anyone who might stumble across them in the future, I'd say. They aren't a true reflection of me or my life. Sure, I do have a lot of self-doubt and I can be pretty critical of myself, too, but my mind isn't generally occupied with these kinds of thoughts. Usually I just daydream and make up stories to amuse myself. Sometimes, I think about more philosophical topics. But I don't really think of me, except in an almost abstract way. I'm the hero of a daydream or maybe I'm an actor playing the hero of a movie based on the daydream. I'm never me, Betsy, the person who takes out the dog or sits in front of computer 8 hours a day. I'm ashamed that I don't look forward to a future for myself - I don't daydream about a fantasy trip with Andy or even about what I'll do this next summer. It's as if I don't really exist to myself.

I wonder a lot about what other people think about. Do they have richly detailed dream worlds that they spend most of their lives in, or are they more practical and daydream about a new car, a better job, or sex with the cute person they see in line at Starbuck's?

What's supposed to be in a journal anyway? Should you write to the imaginary person who will read them after you are long gone or write as if no one, not even yourself, will ever read your words?

Creative Process

I'm trying to use a client for the first time to update my journal. I guess I'll see how it works. :)

I'm working with a friend right now on a personal project, which is creating a new fantasy setting for the d20 role-playing game. It's an interesting process. I've never worked with anyone on a creative project, and I'm worried I'm a little too interested (read: obsessed with) in it. For every email he writes, I write five. I've already made a web site for it, made forums, etc. I worry that I am being too pushy and taking it over, but I really enjoy writing and role-playing, so this is exciting to me.

We came across our first pitfall, though. The name we had originally chosen was rather inappropriate, so we are trying to come up with a new name. Unfortunately, every cool name we came up with has already been taken as a domain. I'm pretty sure we will have to setting for a compound name of some kind. Sort of icky, but probably not a big deal. The setting name I am hoping for is evocative and has lots of potential for fantastic elements. It's up to Terry now.

Our gaming group is going to be playing again on Saturday, which makes me most happy. I will be running my Star Wars d20 game, which I have been enjoying a lot, even more than I expected.

Welcome to 2003

It's a little odd looking at this journal now. The last entry was before we moved into the condo, and now we have lived here for over six months. I love it here. It very much like home, very comfortable and comforting. I've just spent two weeks here over Christmas vacation - I rarely left, just stayed in front of the computer or drank coffee in our sun room or read or wrote. I feel very, very good, very relaxed and whole, although today I did feel a sudden loneliness for friendship. I miss having friends, and I feel left out and lonely. I hope this will change once the group finally gets back together for our weekly Saturday game session, but I do worry that too much time has gone by, even if it has been only a month or so. I miss them, I miss doing things with people who laugh and talk and are creative. I miss being close.

I did make some New Year's Resolutions. Some of them are magic related, some health related (physical and mental), some creative. I plan to write more, exercise more, meditate more, communicate more, stay in touch with family and friends more, create more. Take classes and figure out what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life.