Tarot card: 5 of Swords (defeat)

I'm feeling that today. Technology is sucking today. I couldn't get onto Blogger last night and today I'm getting timeout errors. I'm feeling very irritable today - every little thing seems so damn annoying. I can't think of a damn thing to say that isn't whining about one stupid thing or another. The most exciting thing I can say is that I got new underwear. It's surprising how something so small and insignificant can make such a difference. I did power walk this morning, but I skipped the yoga in the evening to play more Baldur's Gate. Small steps, I guess. I didn't want to talk about weight loss, because this is an ongoing issue I have. I've filled volumes of journals talking about how much I want to lose X pounds (where X is an ever-increasing number). It's boring to write about it and even more boring to read about it.

But it seems dishonest not to talk about it either. Somehow, by not being open here feels like being dishonest to myself. Yeah, it's difficult. I feel pessimistic about my chances for success on this, because I feel this weird kind of pessimism in my life. I am somehow hopeful and doubting at the same time. I used to be a lot more optimistic and I can tell it wanes. Maybe it started with the economy and getting laid off, or maybe it's the state the world is in right now. Maybe it's both, plus the untreated depression I suffer from periodically. I actually had a panic attack Sunday night, something I haven't had for a couple of years, and I had to take a sleeping pill in order to get to sleep (something I very rarely do). Yeah, I'm worried and I have a lot of anxiety, about my life and my future. I always have. I don't think that's going to change with or without treatment. It's just part of my chemistry. I just hate feeling paralyzed or powerless to change anything else about my life.

Yeah, I know this is what the card is about, self-defeat that is. I live with this feeling I'm not going to win so I should just give up now. No matter how optimistic I am at the beginning, my endurance fails and I just stop. I can't figure out how to keep going, and every task seems enormous and far too difficult. I get tired of struggling.

I am tired. I think I'll go to bed.