Andy left for London on Friday. I was pretty emotional about it, even though he'll back next Sunday. I'm bored and restless. I spent most of the day making an origami castle and watching _Alfred Hitchcock Presents_.

Yesterday's game was something of a disappointment. Two players simply didn't show up even though they said they were coming. They didn't even call to cancel. Also, one of my players dropped out completely, and even though his reasons are very good ones (and after all, it is his prerogative; I wouldn't force anyone to play in my game if they didn't want to), I still feel rather bummed by the whole situation. I have a lot of fear that my game isn't fun and no one wants to break it to me.

I wish that my concentration was better. With Andy gone, and no job to go to, I should be working on amazing things that I've always wanted to do, but I can't seem to sit still for long unless I'm in front of the TV. I can't even do my normal magickal practice, I just can't seem to get the energy and desire to do it. And writing? This is about the most I can do, just moaning about my "horrible" life.

I'm still not sure what it is that I need.

Fell asleep on the couch last night and slept like the dead. I still have had disturbing dreams. Last night I dreamt about someone who hates me, and she came to me and asked if we could be friends again, something she would never do. There was something about the scene that made me terribly uncomfortable, because I really don't trust her and never will.

I applied to two jobs on Saturday, but have yet to hear anything back. It's been difficult; I haven't found much of anything that I'm qualified to do. I've looked into clerical jobs, most of which pay $10,000 less than I was last making. I really don't want to take a pay cut, especially one that large.

I think I'll go out to run for a bit.

Today is our anniversary. Andy and I have been together for 2 years today. Tonight we celebrate with tickets to the Blue Man Group. I've never been, so I can't wait! I need to figure out a gift for Andy...

Andy will be going to London at the end of August. I am sad about that, since he will be gone over a week. I will miss him. I'm a little jealous as well, since I have never been to London, but always wanted to go.

I got information about a 4K walk for PAWS that I might attend to raise money for pet shelters. The walk lets you take your dog with you. Andy seems interested, too.

I am sore all over today.

I tackled a JavaScript idea yesterday that I thought would be much harder than it really is. I can't wait to get the new pages uploaded to the server. Next is the ASP code on the new server and the Magic:the Gathering database. This should be fun....

The heat is nearly unbearable, which disappoints me somewhat. I was hoping to get some work done on my site today, but with no air flow or conditioning of any sort in this room, I am dehydrating quickly. A real shame, since I am in such a creative mood.

Tonight, a musician is playing at the Starbuck's down the street. I don't know who s/he is or what style of music (I'm imaging a singer with an acoustic guitar), but I thought it would be a fun thing for Andy and I to do tonight. He has been so stressed out lately that I doubt he will want to do more than fall asleep once he gets home, but maybe going out for 20 minutes might be good for him.

I am continuing my studies, though I haven't been reporting them to this journal. I am progressing though DMK's Modern Magic (I'm on Chapter 3, so far), and I got some books from Amazon last week that are quite intriguing. More on that when I start reading them.

I have a couple of new projects as well, one for D&D and one for my Magick studies.

The D&D project is an all-elf campaign world. I'm getting some new ideas about it from a science fiction book I'm reading now, Hyperion. One of the characters was an ex-Colonel in a huge interstellar army that follows a code of ethics and honor. He learns from his training, and comes to believe, that the more advanced the civilization is, the more codes and laws it must have. After several horrible nuclear disasters and wars, the armies of these worlds had adopted a samurai-like code of honor and conduct to prevent large-scale wars and to protect civilian life. Animals can kill at whim because they do so for survival; because humans are capable of thought, invention, empathy and understanding they do not have that option. I like the idea of a highly civilized society that has many self-imposed rules, a society that thinks, "Because we are greater, we have more responsibility and obligations." Because elves are so much longer lived than humans, they might be such a society.

The Magick project is concerned with the "Outer Planets." There are well-documented magickal correspondances for the "classical" heavenly bodies (sun, moon, mercury, venus, mars, jupiter and saturn), but because our ancestors were unaware of the outer planets (uranus, neptune, pluto), there is no traditional magickal use for these planets. Maybe there should be, and I plan to find out.

When I bought the Tae Bo videotape, I felt sort of foolish. I don't now. I tried it for the first time today, and it is HARD. It's no wonder why the people in the video have hard muscular bodies.

I'm not sure what I was really expecting. I guess because it looks easy, I expected that I wouldn't have such a hard time of it. I couldn't even finish the basic routine. I slick with sweat and completely out of breath. Also, I wasn't sure if I was punching or kicking properly.

It's disheartening to be so out of shape and overweight.

Got the unemployment benefits straightened out today, so there's a load off my back. I went to Starbuck's and drank an icy Americano and read. It was unexpectedly pleasant.

The heat outside is like a blast furnace. This feels quite a bit like Arizona, even if it is considerably more humid here. I was surprised that I wasn't sweating more. The sun is very bright, as if it is closer to the ground than normal, and the sky is a deep blue. The weather report predicts thunderstorms, but it doesn't seem likely right now. If they happen, it won't be for hours and probably won't cool off much. It's predicted to be as hot tomorrow.

The dog is dozing in front of the air conditioner; he is uncomfortable, yet he doesn't drink much water, which concerns me. I can't force him to drink, but I can give him ice cubes, which he loves. He looks so funny when he chews them.

I was thinking about the planets today in regards to astrology and magic. It's funny that the classical planets (Sol, Luna, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn) and incorporated into most magical systems, yet the outer planets (Uranus, Neptune, Pluto) are conveniently ignored. They don't fit into the neat model of color, number, tarot and astrological correspondances, which if you really think about it is horseshit. I mean, there isn't anything special about the inner planets except that they were known to ancients and most can be observed with the naked eye. The fact that they didn't know about the other three doesn't mean that they didn't exist, and if the inner planets affect our lives then the outer ones probably do, too. I've been researching and brainstorming about how they fit into the Grand Cosmic Scheme, but I have yet to find any answers. I can't believe that I am the only person to think about this, so I'm perplexed by the lack of information.

I think the Air and Water Show is this weekend. Andy and I are seeing The Blue Man Group on Friday.

I dreamt I was in the house in which I spent my childhood. It was a large house, but in the dream it was huge and gloriously lit within. It was Halloween night, and I was seeing it from the outside, full of orange light and containing hundreds of rooms.

I don't remember much about what happened. I do remember having a conversation about gaming with my friend John. We decided to have a "pick-up" game every Saturday before our normal game, and only a few people could be involved. I wanted to be DM, but he insisted that he should do it, and I gave in, though I was disappointed.

I wandered the rooms to look for my friend Terry, who seemed to be waiting for me. I was supposed to get ready, to take a shower and put on fresh clothes. I was distracted by other people in the rooms, though I don't remember who or why. Finally, I found Terry and promised him that I was going to finally take a shower and change clothes. But when I got into the bathroom, I saw that all of my clothes had been thrown into the shower and were soaked. I don't know why I couldn't just wear the clothes I was wearing in the dream (were they dirty?), and I knew I couldn't dry my other clothes in time. I got this feeling of loss, like it was too late, whatever "it" may be.

I woke up feeling very sad, almost panicked.

I can't feel angry without feeling guilty afterward. I always wonder if I look like a complete ass...am I overreacting? should I just let whatever made me angry wash over me like water?

I suppose so. In most cases, that would be the "bigger" thing to do, to let go of petty annoyances and wounded feelings. But then I wonder if I'm letting the offender use me as a door matt. And then I wonder if I really deserve to be angry...maybe it's my fault that this is happening.

On and on I argue with myself. I can't feel anything without analyzing into oblivion first.

This Saturday, Andy and I are supposed to go to Joe's house for his daughter's birthday. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but I just feel so distanced from them. I don't feel like I want to make the effort, which is just so shitty. If they ask about whether I've found a job or not, my ulcer will explode, and I will finally die and not have to deal with anything.

God, my mood is changing faster than my brain can keep up. I know I am finally going crazy, and that's OK. Something has to give, and I guess it's me.

I've spent most of the morning reading the most insulting garbage ever.

I was doing a search and happened upon a posting board full of biting, mean replies: insults to a poster's religion, education, intelligence. People filled with hostility towards other beliefs, misinformation about history, culture. I just felt sick, and yet I couldn't stop reading, I had to see where all of these diatribes were going.

It isn't surprising that they went nowhere. No issues were solved, people's feelings were wounded and one by one either from exhaustion or frustration they dropped out of the "discussion."

I have to admire someone who has such extreme beliefs to the point of knowing that they are always right. That kind of tenacity is daunting. I have no idea of what is true and what is not. I try to see both sides of a matter, but usually end up being more confused than before.

It's not that I can't make up my mind or form my own opinion. I just can't say that either side is truly RIGHT and that bothers me, especially when it is so simple and obvious to some people. Am I missing something?

back on track...

I think. I've been writing out to-do lists to accomplish each morning. It seems like such a small thing, but it's working. It's surprising how a little organization helps.

I'm still dreading going to the umemployment office though.

I've been hiding from the world.

Isn't that funny, since I've been putting my thoughts and feelings on the web for a long time, long before I found this site. It is true enough though; I do hide, I hide from myself even.

When I was a little girl, when I got embarrassed (and for a shy, overly-sensitive child that was often), I would run and hide someplace small. Our house had many cubbyholes that I used: the crawlspace under the stairs that led into the "family room;" the walk-in closet in the bedroom I shared with my sisters; the toy cabinet in the family room (which, when my mother dried the laundry, got humid and smelled of fabric softener). Mostly I would cry and feel stupid for crying.

I wish I knew myself as a child. I mean, I wish I could go back as an adult and meet myself as a child. Would I like myself, or would I see a sniveling crybaby? I suspect I would see a lonely child, regardless.

One thing I like about Starhawk's Spiral Dance book is that she talks about Young Self, Talking Self, and Deep Self (Julia Cameron has something similar in her books as well). Young Self is like the Freudian Id or the subconscious, and Talking Self is Ego or conscious self. Scientifically, there usually isn't a personality correspondence to Deep Self, which is the part of us that connected to the Divine (or whatever you like to call it). Some people call that the Holy Guardian Angel, but that's a little too specific for me.

Anyway, Young Self is aptly named because it is pretty much a child version of the personality. It is intuitive and creative and likes bright, shiny objects. It is also connected directly to Deep Self. Talking Self likes to talk a lot and reason things out. Part of Magick is getting Talking Self to listen to Young Self.

I know my Young Self is pretty unhappy. I haven't listened to her for a long time, regardless of whatever magical workings or exercises I have been doing. I don't tend to listen to her at all. I don't know why that is. I guess I worry a lot about "doing right." I daydream a lot, and I feel like I have to force myself to do normal adult things like go to work or do laundry. If I do those things then I can indulge in play. If I don't, then I don't deserve to play.

I guess I'm just too worried to play. I can't seem to stay in the moment, the present. I have to worry about the future and agonize over the past, and it paralyzes me from acting at all.

Damn, I'm tired of analyzing myself.

Still Unemployed....

Of course, I haven't even started looking for work yet. I feel sort of paralyzed. I can't stand the idea of making a resume ("my work history is terrible! who in their right mind will hire me?"), or going to interviews ("what is your worst trait?"). I am so afraid of being broke as well. And yet, I went out this morning for a coffee and the sun was shining in spite of me and I thought:

Life is good, and life will go on being good with or without me.

So I did my yoga and wrote some emails. I've been making "to do" lists so that I have a semi-organized day. It seems important to have a schedule so that I don't spend this time in idleness. I would hate to have months go by and have nothing to show for all that time, that I didn't write that novel like I said I would or progress spiritually or loose 10 pounds even. That I wasted all this precious time sleeping or playing video games or worse, sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

And yet, I am unable to allow myself to truly be calm and do nothing. Meditating is hard for me. I can't be here and now, I have to be in the future ("what will I do to find a job?") or in the past ("what did I do, or didn't do, that cost me my job?").

I am so surprised at how lost I feel by not having a job. Andy used to tell me that I am not my job, and even though I don't think I defined myself by it, I did define my life by it. You get up, you go to work, you come home and do whatever. Now what do I get up for? To face a whole day of frightening openess and freedom? I know people who would kill to be in this position and yet, I am terrified by it. I have no idea what to do next.

Woke up this morning feeling very weird and worried.

Yesterday wasn't a bad day, for my first day of unemployment. I woke up late, refreshing though, took the dog out to the park for some exercise, played some videogames.

I don't know what to do with myself today. I'm afraid of getting too comfortable. I'm afraid of waiting too long and then it will be "too late" and suddenly I'll be broke and homeless and friendless. I want to able to enjoy this week, as if I was on vacation, but instead I feel like I'm preparing for a nuclear war.

I hate all the shit that comes with looking for a job. I hate doing resumes, I hate the stomach-twisting moments before and during interviews, I hate meeting the interviewer and getting grilled about what I know and don't know. I hate the waiting. I hate all the uncertainty that comes with looking for a new job: will I like the company; will my co-workers like me; will I end up looking for another job in a couple of months?

I wish that I could stay in the moment and not worry about where I'm going to be a year from now or even next week. I also wish that I knew that everything will turn out OK.

The universe is an interesting place. It really won't be ignored. You try to ignore all of the signs and warnings, until it whack you on the head with a hammer. You can't ignoer that of course.

I turned 30 two weeks ago. That in of itself was nothing special or difficult. I woke up the morning of the 5th and saw the same face as always in the mirror. I was the same person on the inside as well, the same anxiety-filled maniac with strong urges to create. The day was pleasant enough, will two dozen sunflowers from Andy arriving at work (a beautiful surprise). The same website I had been working on for the last month still needed to be coded and molded into something the general public could use and enjoy. That night I received presents from friends and had dinner at Cyrano's, a French bistrot. Andy had showered me with presents as well: clothes and videogames. All in all, it was a very good day for me.

But, things haven't been right for me for some time. I stopped doing all of my regular rituals three weeks ago. No more tarot readings, yoga, LBRP. I felt too exhausted in the mornings to do anything but go back to bed after walking Surly. I woke up late, went to work late, came home late.

Friday, my job was gone. I was ushered into a conference room with 30 other people (or so) and told that there wasn't any more money to pay us. I didn't feel stunned or angry, just resigned. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. I actually felt a kind of relief.

I described it to someone as playing a big game of musical chairs. This is the third or fourth round of layoffs for this company. The music would suddenly stop, and then I would watch friends disappear as positions dwindled. I didn't realize it until now, but some part of me decided that I would sit this round out and let the others scramble for a seat. Whether or not the leaders in company knew that, the Universe did.

I've been disatified for a long time now. As much as I love coding, I never felt it as anything but a medium of expression, not an end of itself. I know I've wanted more, but I'm always able to put "more" off for another day.

I'm not really sure what "more" is. Writing I think, but maybe more school, anything more rewarding than what I've been doing.

My First Post

Well, here is my journal, such as it is. I have no idea what to do with this thing as yet. I wonder if there is a thing as too much communication...all these lists and websites and instant messages...lots of people talking, and nobody saying anything.