Of course, I haven't even started looking for work yet. I feel sort of paralyzed. I can't stand the idea of making a resume ("my work history is terrible! who in their right mind will hire me?"), or going to interviews ("what is your worst trait?"). I am so afraid of being broke as well. And yet, I went out this morning for a coffee and the sun was shining in spite of me and I thought:
Life is good, and life will go on being good with or without me.
So I did my yoga and wrote some emails. I've been making "to do" lists so that I have a semi-organized day. It seems important to have a schedule so that I don't spend this time in idleness. I would hate to have months go by and have nothing to show for all that time, that I didn't write that novel like I said I would or progress spiritually or loose 10 pounds even. That I wasted all this precious time sleeping or playing video games or worse, sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
And yet, I am unable to allow myself to truly be calm and do nothing. Meditating is hard for me. I can't be here and now, I have to be in the future ("what will I do to find a job?") or in the past ("what did I do, or didn't do, that cost me my job?").
I am so surprised at how lost I feel by not having a job. Andy used to tell me that I am not my job, and even though I don't think I defined myself by it, I did define my life by it. You get up, you go to work, you come home and do whatever. Now what do I get up for? To face a whole day of frightening openess and freedom? I know people who would kill to be in this position and yet, I am terrified by it. I have no idea what to do next.
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