The universe is an interesting place. It really won't be ignored. You try to ignore all of the signs and warnings, until it whack you on the head with a hammer. You can't ignoer that of course.

I turned 30 two weeks ago. That in of itself was nothing special or difficult. I woke up the morning of the 5th and saw the same face as always in the mirror. I was the same person on the inside as well, the same anxiety-filled maniac with strong urges to create. The day was pleasant enough, will two dozen sunflowers from Andy arriving at work (a beautiful surprise). The same website I had been working on for the last month still needed to be coded and molded into something the general public could use and enjoy. That night I received presents from friends and had dinner at Cyrano's, a French bistrot. Andy had showered me with presents as well: clothes and videogames. All in all, it was a very good day for me.

But, things haven't been right for me for some time. I stopped doing all of my regular rituals three weeks ago. No more tarot readings, yoga, LBRP. I felt too exhausted in the mornings to do anything but go back to bed after walking Surly. I woke up late, went to work late, came home late.

Friday, my job was gone. I was ushered into a conference room with 30 other people (or so) and told that there wasn't any more money to pay us. I didn't feel stunned or angry, just resigned. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. I actually felt a kind of relief.

I described it to someone as playing a big game of musical chairs. This is the third or fourth round of layoffs for this company. The music would suddenly stop, and then I would watch friends disappear as positions dwindled. I didn't realize it until now, but some part of me decided that I would sit this round out and let the others scramble for a seat. Whether or not the leaders in company knew that, the Universe did.

I've been disatified for a long time now. As much as I love coding, I never felt it as anything but a medium of expression, not an end of itself. I know I've wanted more, but I'm always able to put "more" off for another day.

I'm not really sure what "more" is. Writing I think, but maybe more school, anything more rewarding than what I've been doing.