I've been hiding from the world.

Isn't that funny, since I've been putting my thoughts and feelings on the web for a long time, long before I found this site. It is true enough though; I do hide, I hide from myself even.

When I was a little girl, when I got embarrassed (and for a shy, overly-sensitive child that was often), I would run and hide someplace small. Our house had many cubbyholes that I used: the crawlspace under the stairs that led into the "family room;" the walk-in closet in the bedroom I shared with my sisters; the toy cabinet in the family room (which, when my mother dried the laundry, got humid and smelled of fabric softener). Mostly I would cry and feel stupid for crying.

I wish I knew myself as a child. I mean, I wish I could go back as an adult and meet myself as a child. Would I like myself, or would I see a sniveling crybaby? I suspect I would see a lonely child, regardless.

One thing I like about Starhawk's Spiral Dance book is that she talks about Young Self, Talking Self, and Deep Self (Julia Cameron has something similar in her books as well). Young Self is like the Freudian Id or the subconscious, and Talking Self is Ego or conscious self. Scientifically, there usually isn't a personality correspondence to Deep Self, which is the part of us that connected to the Divine (or whatever you like to call it). Some people call that the Holy Guardian Angel, but that's a little too specific for me.

Anyway, Young Self is aptly named because it is pretty much a child version of the personality. It is intuitive and creative and likes bright, shiny objects. It is also connected directly to Deep Self. Talking Self likes to talk a lot and reason things out. Part of Magick is getting Talking Self to listen to Young Self.

I know my Young Self is pretty unhappy. I haven't listened to her for a long time, regardless of whatever magical workings or exercises I have been doing. I don't tend to listen to her at all. I don't know why that is. I guess I worry a lot about "doing right." I daydream a lot, and I feel like I have to force myself to do normal adult things like go to work or do laundry. If I do those things then I can indulge in play. If I don't, then I don't deserve to play.

I guess I'm just too worried to play. I can't seem to stay in the moment, the present. I have to worry about the future and agonize over the past, and it paralyzes me from acting at all.

Damn, I'm tired of analyzing myself.