I'm on my first big trip alone. I went to Nashville for a conference for work. I'm at Vanderbilt University which has a beautiful campus, though the weather is very, very warm and humid.

Nashville is an, uh, odd town. It's very spread out and in spots it's feel much smaller than it is. Some of the residents have been surprisingly friendly, others have been a little slow and unhelpful, but not rude like they are in Chicago. My hotel was a bad choice, since they have few amenities and are far from the college, but that was my fault for not doing more research.

Being here just underscore my need to figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life. The sessions are actually great, but I have so little interest in my job that it's difficult to work up the enthusiasm.

I miss Andy and Surly. Walking up in a strange place has been disconcerting. I have to sleep with the TV on or else I wake up at every little noise. I feel so bad about myself lately. This morning when I looked in the mirror, I saw my mother's face and overweight body. I thought about how much she hated herself, from the way she looked to her "mousy" personality and lack of adventure. I simultaneously hated her and myself. I had to tell myself that I'm not her, that she wouldn't have done half of the things I have. I also have to tell myself not to be so hard on her either. She did the best that she could, and I think that in the end she loved her life as best she could.

Well, yesterday was just horrible. The dog started peeing blood and I couldn't get ahold of Andy because his cellphone was in an area with bad connection. I had to call my sister to take me to the emergency vet. I was very upset and said some very stupid things I very much regret now. I pretty much made myself sick over the whole affair, and I stayed home to watch Surly. The vet said he has a bladder infection and gave Surly antibiotics and sent us on our mery way. His seems a little better, but he's a little lethargic and isn't eating much.

Andy did get a new car last night, although I haven't seen it yet. He said that driving it home seemed like a dream, like he couldn't believe that this nice car was really his. I know he's really pleased and he was having fun playing with all the doodads they gave him, like chosing CDs to put in his CD case.

Speaking of dreams, I think I dreamt about cats last night. I vaguely remember talking to Andy (in my sleep!) about "the cat." I remember him saying, "What cat?" Then I realized I had been dreaming and told him, "Never mind."

I am tired as hell and I don't feel well at all.

God, what a crappy day already.

This morning it was my turn to walk the dog and I awoke to thunder and lightning. Surly, god bless him, did not push to be walked, so I was able to wait until after the rain had stopped (mostly) before taking him out. This, however, messed up my usual morning routine and I was late to work by 15 minutes.

Andy is not having a great day either. His poor car, which needs body work badly, now also has a rapidly decaying transmission. All this in a car not even five years old. And so he is contemplating a new car, although it will be yet another expense for him. I feel terrible, because I know I'm not helping much monetarily. I do wish I was making as much money as I was at my last job. I figured out last night that I would be taking home something like $400 extra a month. It's not so much that I want so many things, just that I would like to get out of debt and make more of a contribution to the household.

[OK, so I just met with my boss, and I can see a ray of hope. If we move over to another department, as she wants, I might be able to move into a web master position. Hurray! Now I just need to get into school...]

I switched my journal back to Livejournal and moved all of my entries back. As weird as this may sound, I feel weird having two journals like this and I've decided to use the Livejournal site for my personal online journal and the Blogger journal for something else, to be decided later. Part of the reason I decided to do this was because of a spoof I saw (of all things). The spoof was a blog done by a famous comic book villain done in the style of most online journals, which is whiny, teen-angsty, and full of "wry" comments about life.

Wow, I thought, online journals are for the most part, complete bullshit.

Now I know this isn't news and to be honest, I'm not really sure of the value of pouring my heart out for the entire world to see, copy, paste and send in emails as a gag to their friends. I fully realize my compulsive need to communicate and be heard. I know it's a cry for attention and acceptance. But then again, the idea that there are real people out there on the Internet reading this or any other site is almost not comprehensible to me. I read posts on messageboards or emails from strangers on lists and the very faceless impersonality of it boggles me. So to me this might as well be a private journal, because I simply can't imagine anyone reading this.

OK, so anyway, here's what's new. Andy and I are going to see the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, probably against our better judgement. The reviews we've read so far are mixed. The review on Ain't It Cool is especially worrying. Nonetheless, we are going, so I will post a review tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, the maids will be coming in the morning for the first time. Yes, Andy got frustrated with cleaning the apartment and hired maids to come twice a month. I'm not happy with this, because it seems, well, snooty, like I'm too good to clean my own house. Besides, I hate the idea of a stranger pawing through my things - it's not about stealing, although I'm worried about that vaguely, but more about feeling violated and being embarrassed that I wasn't adult enough to clean up after myself. That's weird, too, I know, because most people I know would be more than happy to have someone else clean up after them. But Andy is paying for this and it will be nice to have a super-clean house for the group to game in tomorrow.

Last bit of news for me is that I am almost finished with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and I liked it so much that I was thinking of making a d20 Modern Setting based on it.

That reminds me that the web sites are calling my name. I have so much to work on - eris404.com is OK for now (although the pictures from San Francisco need to be added), but I have chosen new colors and a new design for daggerhome.com, which sorely needs to be updated. It looks like Oneiros is on hold indefinitely, since I can't seem to get Terry interested for more than ten minutes at a time (sorry, Terry, but it's true!).
I have another D&D campaign that I will be designing and I hope to play it soon.

I've been interested in doing more visual art. I've never been a great artist, but Agnes recommended a great bug book to me. I wasn't really a fan of bugs until I met Gene and saw his collection of dead insects (that sounds creepy, doesn't it?). Anyway, a little of his enthusiasm for insects rubbed off on me and I bought this book so that I can draw insects. I hope to scan my drawings (if they're good) to use as art on the daggerhome site. I also want to take picture of the miniatures I've been painting and put those online, too. Add some glyphs or runes of some kind and the site will look much nicer. Also, Andy's digital camera could come in handy - maybe I could just take some cool pictures to use, too.

I wish I had more time to work on stuff like this.