journaling

I can't for the life of me figure out what to write here, although I have felt a urge to write something for the last few days. I haven't even really written in my personal (offline) journal for a couple of days - time still is eluding me. I wonder why it is so difficult to maintain any kind of schedule. What is it about me that can't consistently get up at the same time every day and maintain a routine? My first response is laziness and then maybe simple inertia, but sometimes I wonder if there is something more subtle or subsconscious at work within me.

Journaling is a strange process for me. I don't really seem to say anything in my journals. Much of my private ones are simply self-doubt repeated over and over or lists of things I need or want to do - pretty dull reading for anyone who might stumble across them in the future, I'd say. They aren't a true reflection of me or my life. Sure, I do have a lot of self-doubt and I can be pretty critical of myself, too, but my mind isn't generally occupied with these kinds of thoughts. Usually I just daydream and make up stories to amuse myself. Sometimes, I think about more philosophical topics. But I don't really think of me, except in an almost abstract way. I'm the hero of a daydream or maybe I'm an actor playing the hero of a movie based on the daydream. I'm never me, Betsy, the person who takes out the dog or sits in front of computer 8 hours a day. I'm ashamed that I don't look forward to a future for myself - I don't daydream about a fantasy trip with Andy or even about what I'll do this next summer. It's as if I don't really exist to myself.

I wonder a lot about what other people think about. Do they have richly detailed dream worlds that they spend most of their lives in, or are they more practical and daydream about a new car, a better job, or sex with the cute person they see in line at Starbuck's?

What's supposed to be in a journal anyway? Should you write to the imaginary person who will read them after you are long gone or write as if no one, not even yourself, will ever read your words?

Creative Process

I'm trying to use a client for the first time to update my journal. I guess I'll see how it works. :)

I'm working with a friend right now on a personal project, which is creating a new fantasy setting for the d20 role-playing game. It's an interesting process. I've never worked with anyone on a creative project, and I'm worried I'm a little too interested (read: obsessed with) in it. For every email he writes, I write five. I've already made a web site for it, made forums, etc. I worry that I am being too pushy and taking it over, but I really enjoy writing and role-playing, so this is exciting to me.

We came across our first pitfall, though. The name we had originally chosen was rather inappropriate, so we are trying to come up with a new name. Unfortunately, every cool name we came up with has already been taken as a domain. I'm pretty sure we will have to setting for a compound name of some kind. Sort of icky, but probably not a big deal. The setting name I am hoping for is evocative and has lots of potential for fantastic elements. It's up to Terry now.

Our gaming group is going to be playing again on Saturday, which makes me most happy. I will be running my Star Wars d20 game, which I have been enjoying a lot, even more than I expected.

Welcome to 2003

It's a little odd looking at this journal now. The last entry was before we moved into the condo, and now we have lived here for over six months. I love it here. It very much like home, very comfortable and comforting. I've just spent two weeks here over Christmas vacation - I rarely left, just stayed in front of the computer or drank coffee in our sun room or read or wrote. I feel very, very good, very relaxed and whole, although today I did feel a sudden loneliness for friendship. I miss having friends, and I feel left out and lonely. I hope this will change once the group finally gets back together for our weekly Saturday game session, but I do worry that too much time has gone by, even if it has been only a month or so. I miss them, I miss doing things with people who laugh and talk and are creative. I miss being close.

I did make some New Year's Resolutions. Some of them are magic related, some health related (physical and mental), some creative. I plan to write more, exercise more, meditate more, communicate more, stay in touch with family and friends more, create more. Take classes and figure out what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life.