Woke up this morning feeling very weird and worried.

Yesterday wasn't a bad day, for my first day of unemployment. I woke up late, refreshing though, took the dog out to the park for some exercise, played some videogames.

I don't know what to do with myself today. I'm afraid of getting too comfortable. I'm afraid of waiting too long and then it will be "too late" and suddenly I'll be broke and homeless and friendless. I want to able to enjoy this week, as if I was on vacation, but instead I feel like I'm preparing for a nuclear war.

I hate all the shit that comes with looking for a job. I hate doing resumes, I hate the stomach-twisting moments before and during interviews, I hate meeting the interviewer and getting grilled about what I know and don't know. I hate the waiting. I hate all the uncertainty that comes with looking for a new job: will I like the company; will my co-workers like me; will I end up looking for another job in a couple of months?

I wish that I could stay in the moment and not worry about where I'm going to be a year from now or even next week. I also wish that I knew that everything will turn out OK.

The universe is an interesting place. It really won't be ignored. You try to ignore all of the signs and warnings, until it whack you on the head with a hammer. You can't ignoer that of course.

I turned 30 two weeks ago. That in of itself was nothing special or difficult. I woke up the morning of the 5th and saw the same face as always in the mirror. I was the same person on the inside as well, the same anxiety-filled maniac with strong urges to create. The day was pleasant enough, will two dozen sunflowers from Andy arriving at work (a beautiful surprise). The same website I had been working on for the last month still needed to be coded and molded into something the general public could use and enjoy. That night I received presents from friends and had dinner at Cyrano's, a French bistrot. Andy had showered me with presents as well: clothes and videogames. All in all, it was a very good day for me.

But, things haven't been right for me for some time. I stopped doing all of my regular rituals three weeks ago. No more tarot readings, yoga, LBRP. I felt too exhausted in the mornings to do anything but go back to bed after walking Surly. I woke up late, went to work late, came home late.

Friday, my job was gone. I was ushered into a conference room with 30 other people (or so) and told that there wasn't any more money to pay us. I didn't feel stunned or angry, just resigned. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. I actually felt a kind of relief.

I described it to someone as playing a big game of musical chairs. This is the third or fourth round of layoffs for this company. The music would suddenly stop, and then I would watch friends disappear as positions dwindled. I didn't realize it until now, but some part of me decided that I would sit this round out and let the others scramble for a seat. Whether or not the leaders in company knew that, the Universe did.

I've been disatified for a long time now. As much as I love coding, I never felt it as anything but a medium of expression, not an end of itself. I know I've wanted more, but I'm always able to put "more" off for another day.

I'm not really sure what "more" is. Writing I think, but maybe more school, anything more rewarding than what I've been doing.