I'm on my first big trip alone. I went to Nashville for a conference for work. I'm at Vanderbilt University which has a beautiful campus, though the weather is very, very warm and humid.

Nashville is an, uh, odd town. It's very spread out and in spots it's feel much smaller than it is. Some of the residents have been surprisingly friendly, others have been a little slow and unhelpful, but not rude like they are in Chicago. My hotel was a bad choice, since they have few amenities and are far from the college, but that was my fault for not doing more research.

Being here just underscore my need to figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life. The sessions are actually great, but I have so little interest in my job that it's difficult to work up the enthusiasm.

I miss Andy and Surly. Walking up in a strange place has been disconcerting. I have to sleep with the TV on or else I wake up at every little noise. I feel so bad about myself lately. This morning when I looked in the mirror, I saw my mother's face and overweight body. I thought about how much she hated herself, from the way she looked to her "mousy" personality and lack of adventure. I simultaneously hated her and myself. I had to tell myself that I'm not her, that she wouldn't have done half of the things I have. I also have to tell myself not to be so hard on her either. She did the best that she could, and I think that in the end she loved her life as best she could.

Well, yesterday was just horrible. The dog started peeing blood and I couldn't get ahold of Andy because his cellphone was in an area with bad connection. I had to call my sister to take me to the emergency vet. I was very upset and said some very stupid things I very much regret now. I pretty much made myself sick over the whole affair, and I stayed home to watch Surly. The vet said he has a bladder infection and gave Surly antibiotics and sent us on our mery way. His seems a little better, but he's a little lethargic and isn't eating much.

Andy did get a new car last night, although I haven't seen it yet. He said that driving it home seemed like a dream, like he couldn't believe that this nice car was really his. I know he's really pleased and he was having fun playing with all the doodads they gave him, like chosing CDs to put in his CD case.

Speaking of dreams, I think I dreamt about cats last night. I vaguely remember talking to Andy (in my sleep!) about "the cat." I remember him saying, "What cat?" Then I realized I had been dreaming and told him, "Never mind."

I am tired as hell and I don't feel well at all.

God, what a crappy day already.

This morning it was my turn to walk the dog and I awoke to thunder and lightning. Surly, god bless him, did not push to be walked, so I was able to wait until after the rain had stopped (mostly) before taking him out. This, however, messed up my usual morning routine and I was late to work by 15 minutes.

Andy is not having a great day either. His poor car, which needs body work badly, now also has a rapidly decaying transmission. All this in a car not even five years old. And so he is contemplating a new car, although it will be yet another expense for him. I feel terrible, because I know I'm not helping much monetarily. I do wish I was making as much money as I was at my last job. I figured out last night that I would be taking home something like $400 extra a month. It's not so much that I want so many things, just that I would like to get out of debt and make more of a contribution to the household.

[OK, so I just met with my boss, and I can see a ray of hope. If we move over to another department, as she wants, I might be able to move into a web master position. Hurray! Now I just need to get into school...]

I switched my journal back to Livejournal and moved all of my entries back. As weird as this may sound, I feel weird having two journals like this and I've decided to use the Livejournal site for my personal online journal and the Blogger journal for something else, to be decided later. Part of the reason I decided to do this was because of a spoof I saw (of all things). The spoof was a blog done by a famous comic book villain done in the style of most online journals, which is whiny, teen-angsty, and full of "wry" comments about life.

Wow, I thought, online journals are for the most part, complete bullshit.

Now I know this isn't news and to be honest, I'm not really sure of the value of pouring my heart out for the entire world to see, copy, paste and send in emails as a gag to their friends. I fully realize my compulsive need to communicate and be heard. I know it's a cry for attention and acceptance. But then again, the idea that there are real people out there on the Internet reading this or any other site is almost not comprehensible to me. I read posts on messageboards or emails from strangers on lists and the very faceless impersonality of it boggles me. So to me this might as well be a private journal, because I simply can't imagine anyone reading this.

OK, so anyway, here's what's new. Andy and I are going to see the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, probably against our better judgement. The reviews we've read so far are mixed. The review on Ain't It Cool is especially worrying. Nonetheless, we are going, so I will post a review tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, the maids will be coming in the morning for the first time. Yes, Andy got frustrated with cleaning the apartment and hired maids to come twice a month. I'm not happy with this, because it seems, well, snooty, like I'm too good to clean my own house. Besides, I hate the idea of a stranger pawing through my things - it's not about stealing, although I'm worried about that vaguely, but more about feeling violated and being embarrassed that I wasn't adult enough to clean up after myself. That's weird, too, I know, because most people I know would be more than happy to have someone else clean up after them. But Andy is paying for this and it will be nice to have a super-clean house for the group to game in tomorrow.

Last bit of news for me is that I am almost finished with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and I liked it so much that I was thinking of making a d20 Modern Setting based on it.

That reminds me that the web sites are calling my name. I have so much to work on - eris404.com is OK for now (although the pictures from San Francisco need to be added), but I have chosen new colors and a new design for daggerhome.com, which sorely needs to be updated. It looks like Oneiros is on hold indefinitely, since I can't seem to get Terry interested for more than ten minutes at a time (sorry, Terry, but it's true!).
I have another D&D campaign that I will be designing and I hope to play it soon.

I've been interested in doing more visual art. I've never been a great artist, but Agnes recommended a great bug book to me. I wasn't really a fan of bugs until I met Gene and saw his collection of dead insects (that sounds creepy, doesn't it?). Anyway, a little of his enthusiasm for insects rubbed off on me and I bought this book so that I can draw insects. I hope to scan my drawings (if they're good) to use as art on the daggerhome site. I also want to take picture of the miniatures I've been painting and put those online, too. Add some glyphs or runes of some kind and the site will look much nicer. Also, Andy's digital camera could come in handy - maybe I could just take some cool pictures to use, too.

I wish I had more time to work on stuff like this.

Andy is still in a great deal of pain. The medication makes him very groggy - he called me at work and half of the time I couldn't understand him. But then again, maybe I'm just going deaf. I hate talking on the phone. I don't know if it's my hearing or if the connection is just that bad. Cellphones are the worst, of course. I don't know how people can walk around and still hold a conversation on one of those things. Most of the time I just say, "I can't hear you! Hello?!?"

Anyway, on one of the email lists to which I belong, there was a short discussion on a servitor called Fotamecus. I decided to do a quick search on the name and came up with a brief history and a couple of short rituals/uses for the servitor. On a side note, the servitor was designed to be viral (that is, able to make copies of itself), and in a nice bit of irony, I found the same description and ritual copied word for word on multiple web sites over and over again.

I won't give the history of Fotamecus, since anyone with access to a search engine can find it. The basic description of Fotamecus is that it is a servitor (a spirit made by a magickian or group of magickians to do one or two small magickal tasks) that can compress and expand time. As someone who is habitually late and never seems to have enough free time, this was a pretty useful construct. I decided to start using it this morning, especially since I was running late. I got to the station at 8:30 and it usually takes 40-45 minutes to get to the destination station and another 5 minutes to get to my office. I got into my office at 9:10 - not great, but not bad either. I then set the servitor to compress my work day, but so far it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference. I'm going to continue to use it though, to give it time to adjust to me.

Stayed home from work today. I wish I could say I was doing something pleasant, but the truth is, Andy was quite sick. He may be passing kidney stones. I can't imagine the kind of pain he must be in. We took him to the emergency room, which did almost nothing for him. I cleaned the bathrooms and did some laundry. Even though we have air conditioning, it was rather hot today and I could feel it keenly. It was difficult to get in the mood to do anything when I'm all hot and sweaty. So we watched a very good movie (although very sad) called Moonlight Mile. I feel slightly depressed from it.

I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. Having the day off, no matter how unpleasant the circumstances, was a relief in a way.

Lots to catch up on.

First, I went to visit my dad this weekend for Father's Day and was surprised and dismayed to see how unhappy many of my siblings are in their marriages. My dad on thw other hand is quite happy - I don't know how he does it. He and my mom got along so well and if she hadn't died, I'm sure they'd still be together. My dad and my stepmom have been together for over ten years now, and although they've had some rough times, too, they seemed genuinely happy with each other and their lives. He just finished an addition on their house, which looks amazing. They have a 2-bedroom ranch house on which he built a huge living room, foyer and a porch. It's mostly finished now with only exception being the flooring. For the party on Sunday, Dad laid out a carpet remnant and moved his furniture into the new room. Once he has the cash he will be putting down hardwood floors. I can't tell you how peaceful his house is. With the windows open, a constant breeze came through, keeping the whole house cool in 90-degree weather. He put in skylights to make the rooms brighter. The lawn is immaculately kept and my stepmother has a garden full of huge flowers. My dad lives in the country, where there is little traffic and few neighbors. About the only noise we heard was the sound of the raceway from the distant fairgrounds. It's no wonder he's happy with such tranquil surroundings. I can't imagine a better place for him to live.

My brother Bob seems to be recovering well. He just had his first anniversary - 1 year without alcohol. He's been making art again, through his wielding, and made a fountain for my stepmom. If I can find some copper bowls, he'll make one for me, too. It was good to see him, especially looking so happy and healthy. I guess not everyone is unhappy, maybe it just seems like it because I have been, too. Also, it was just a weird weekend in general. All sorts of small, petty annoyances happened. We went to a local food festival that just seems to be floundering. Last year it seemed like they had 4 or 5 food vendors, but only 3 this year and a very poor turnout. People were rude. My sisters were squabbling, sort of. I lost an earring from the set my sister Diane had just given to me that morning for my birthday. We went to see my other sister's band play that night, but it was in a bad bar and the band was so drunk that they could hardly keep time. Through it all my dad smiled and chuckled, too good-natured to let anything keep us down for too long.

Meanwhile, work has been better. I feel like I am getting my ass in gear and since our student worker is only here 3 days a week, I have a little more to do on the days she's not here. That's a good thing. I like to be busy. I am promising myself that I will start school in the second summer session. I'm also working on a redesign of onw of my web sites, too. Speaking of web sites, I'm thinking about making one for my dad's contracting business. He won't use a computer, so I'm not sure it would be the most useful of sites.

Tonight I have to go to dinner with my boyfriend and his bosses. Even though I've done this before, it still makes me nervous. I hate getting dressed up, for one thing and for another I'm never sure what to say. Last night I dreamt that we forgot about the dinner and had only 10 minutes to pick up the drycleaning, get dressed and get to the restaurant. I hate dreams like that, because I wake up panic-stricken. I'm sure it will be just fine, that I am worrying over nothing, but it doesn't make me feel any better.