Tarot card: The Chariot

On this day, at 3:25 am, 32 years ago, I was born.

I asked my dad if he remembered anything about that day, and he said he remembered driving mom around in the car awhile before going to the hospital. She dreaded the hospital, so the less time she spent there, the better. He said as little girl I was talker. My younger sister, Rachel, would get made because she could never get a word in when I was around.

Overall, this had been a good day. Andy delivered me a special meal, filet mignon, served at our dinner table (we usually eat in front of the TV unfortunately). I got presents, too: a grill from Andy's mom and stepdad and from Andy, the third season of Buffy the Vampire on DVD. I love this show, and I was so sad to see it end this year. I have such a soft spot for Buffy/Sarah Michelle Geller, and seeing her sweet and impossibly pretty face on the cover made me feel so happy.

Because it's my birthday, I've been thinking a lot about my life - what I've done, what I haven't done, what I'd like to do. I've set a lot of goals for myself, some embarrassing(lose 40 pounds), some spiritual (practice magick every day), some creative (write every day). I decided that part of my fullfillment of that last goal would be this journal. My goal is to write a little something each day (and every day) for the next year, birthday to birthday. It's a challenge I hope I'm up to facing.

The tarot card above is the symbol not just for this day, but my whole year, according to Angeles Arrien, the author of The Tarot Handbook. She says it means change, amd that in times of change it is necessary to incorporate "quietude" with activity. This is a year of big changes, she says, which could mean moving or changing jobs, but that changes should be positive and "nuturing."

Well, I don't want to move. I love it here in this home that Andy and I have made together, and I don't want to leave it any time soon. As for my job, well...I wouldn't want to leave the university without getting a Master's Degree first, if I could at all help it.

But I have been thinking about my job. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. I was reading an article in Wired that made me think about what I would like to do a little more closely. The article was about Silicon Valley and the GenX people, like me, who lost their jobs during the Internet bust. The people interviewed talked about their new jobs and said things like, "It's just a paycheck now."

The article was supposed to be somewhat positive. In the context of the whole article, this attitude was a good thing, because it meant that people weren't married to their jobs or going crazy creating start-ups that would ultimately flounder and leave them penniless. But what it also meant was that they weren't in love with their jobs either.

I was in love with my job, and two years later, I still mourn it. I never thought that I could have a job that I honestly and truly loved. I felt so damn lucky that I found something that stimulated me, that allowed me to be creative and enthusiastic and to learn something every day. Looking back on it, I should have seen the warning signs. I was blissfully unaware of how the company (actually, companies) was run. It didn't matter to me that I had coworkers whose job titles were nonsense and whose job descriptions were vague. I could give a rat's ass less about what anyone else did as long as I was allowed to code in peace. I dreamt code. I lived to see a site go live, to type the URL into the address line of the browser and see my work "in the flesh," so to speak. This still excites me to this day, to see the sites I work on as freelancer come alive.

My job at the university is stable, but my heart is definitely not in it. I know this has to change, because it is affecting how I feel about myself. Andy tells me all the time that I am not my job - and he's right - but considering that I spend 40+ hours per week there, more time than I truly spend with Andy or my friends or my family, I can't discount any longer the effect it has on me. I have to move forward.

Sun in Aquarius, Moon in Pisces

Trying something new again - I downloaded a free astrology program called Astrolog to keep track of daily transits and positions. Anyone interested can download it here:

http://www.astrolog.org/astrolog.htm

I'm feeling energetic and creative today and I have several projects I want to start. My web site have been languishing far too long and deserve some attention, as does the site I've made for Oneiros, the D&D campaign setting I'm making with Terry. I just finished a freelance site I worked on with Guido and hope to be paid soon. He found another project for a client in London - it's sounds like it will be quick and easy and a little extra cash to boot. I can't wait to start on that either. The sooner we're finished, the sooner we'll get paid.

Andy is leaving on a business trip this week, so I have mixed feelings. I will miss him a lot, but I hope I spend the time wisely. Some stuff I plan on doing while he's gone: write, write, write! Practice the ceremonial magick exercises more deeply. Exercise. Do yoga. Paint my miniatures for my game. Get Valentine's Day decorations and presents.

journaling

I can't for the life of me figure out what to write here, although I have felt a urge to write something for the last few days. I haven't even really written in my personal (offline) journal for a couple of days - time still is eluding me. I wonder why it is so difficult to maintain any kind of schedule. What is it about me that can't consistently get up at the same time every day and maintain a routine? My first response is laziness and then maybe simple inertia, but sometimes I wonder if there is something more subtle or subsconscious at work within me.

Journaling is a strange process for me. I don't really seem to say anything in my journals. Much of my private ones are simply self-doubt repeated over and over or lists of things I need or want to do - pretty dull reading for anyone who might stumble across them in the future, I'd say. They aren't a true reflection of me or my life. Sure, I do have a lot of self-doubt and I can be pretty critical of myself, too, but my mind isn't generally occupied with these kinds of thoughts. Usually I just daydream and make up stories to amuse myself. Sometimes, I think about more philosophical topics. But I don't really think of me, except in an almost abstract way. I'm the hero of a daydream or maybe I'm an actor playing the hero of a movie based on the daydream. I'm never me, Betsy, the person who takes out the dog or sits in front of computer 8 hours a day. I'm ashamed that I don't look forward to a future for myself - I don't daydream about a fantasy trip with Andy or even about what I'll do this next summer. It's as if I don't really exist to myself.

I wonder a lot about what other people think about. Do they have richly detailed dream worlds that they spend most of their lives in, or are they more practical and daydream about a new car, a better job, or sex with the cute person they see in line at Starbuck's?

What's supposed to be in a journal anyway? Should you write to the imaginary person who will read them after you are long gone or write as if no one, not even yourself, will ever read your words?

Creative Process

I'm trying to use a client for the first time to update my journal. I guess I'll see how it works. :)

I'm working with a friend right now on a personal project, which is creating a new fantasy setting for the d20 role-playing game. It's an interesting process. I've never worked with anyone on a creative project, and I'm worried I'm a little too interested (read: obsessed with) in it. For every email he writes, I write five. I've already made a web site for it, made forums, etc. I worry that I am being too pushy and taking it over, but I really enjoy writing and role-playing, so this is exciting to me.

We came across our first pitfall, though. The name we had originally chosen was rather inappropriate, so we are trying to come up with a new name. Unfortunately, every cool name we came up with has already been taken as a domain. I'm pretty sure we will have to setting for a compound name of some kind. Sort of icky, but probably not a big deal. The setting name I am hoping for is evocative and has lots of potential for fantastic elements. It's up to Terry now.

Our gaming group is going to be playing again on Saturday, which makes me most happy. I will be running my Star Wars d20 game, which I have been enjoying a lot, even more than I expected.

Welcome to 2003

It's a little odd looking at this journal now. The last entry was before we moved into the condo, and now we have lived here for over six months. I love it here. It very much like home, very comfortable and comforting. I've just spent two weeks here over Christmas vacation - I rarely left, just stayed in front of the computer or drank coffee in our sun room or read or wrote. I feel very, very good, very relaxed and whole, although today I did feel a sudden loneliness for friendship. I miss having friends, and I feel left out and lonely. I hope this will change once the group finally gets back together for our weekly Saturday game session, but I do worry that too much time has gone by, even if it has been only a month or so. I miss them, I miss doing things with people who laugh and talk and are creative. I miss being close.

I did make some New Year's Resolutions. Some of them are magic related, some health related (physical and mental), some creative. I plan to write more, exercise more, meditate more, communicate more, stay in touch with family and friends more, create more. Take classes and figure out what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life.

Moving...

Andy closes on the condominium today, in about a half hour from the time I am writing this, actually. He was nervous this morning and suddenly, I became nervous, too. I'm not so worried about the expense of it as I am worried about how much this will change our lives. It's funny that I've been craving change for some time now, and when it feels like a change will be happening at last, I want to pull the covers over my head and hide.

I think I'll be better once we're finally living in the new place. Right now we are surrounded by boxes and just...waiting. Waiting for this day actually, and now everything should be moving pretty fast from here on out. There will be a constant stream of electricians, painters, movers, and boxes. Lots of boxes. Lots of shopping, too, I suspect, from Andy tone. He is craving a fresh start, too, and he wants to get rid of most of our furniture to buy new, if his finances permit it.

I think it could be too much too soon too little time. I understand his enthusiasm, but I also understand his anxiety about money. I wish that I could be more of a help, but I'm not. I'm just not making a whole lot of money right now. I'm not successful like he is, and sometimes I wonder if I ever will be out of debt. I've come a long way, but I still have so far to go that I feel discouraged by it.


I just wish it were 29 May already.

Being pecked to death by small birds

This morning, while walking Surly, I watched a small bird fly into the window of a parked car. It bounced off the glass and turned to fly into the window of a nearby building. It ricocheted off the window pane and struck me in the shoulder. Since I was jogging at the time, I was quite startled, but probably more surprised that bird was still alive and flew to safety in a nearby tree.

This is a fitting metaphor for my life right now. I feel like I am being bombarded but I can never tell where each little bomb is coming from. They are tiny, mind you, but numerous. It could be anything from running out of packing tape while in the middle of filling cardboard boxes with our belongings for this move at the end of the month. It could be all the minutiae of packing itself, like remembering to change your address with your bank and your magazine subscriptions. It could be the living with boxes and the incredible shrinking apartment as we do the elaborate dance to try to get around each other, and the dog, while getting ready for work.

This wouldn't be so bad except that my job is unsettled as well. I am moving into a new position (allegedly), so I have tie up all the loose ends, which are a tangled mess left over from my boss, who was fired. On top of this, there is one more alumni event I have to help with, which equates to hundreds (literally) of phone calls with registrants. Finally, the time off I desperately need to help with the condo is in question as well. So many things I thought were done deals aren't. Everything feels messy and don't feel like I have any escape from these hassles and aggravation, even if it's a only temporary reprieve.

I'm so grouchy all of the time. I feel claustrophobic, and I have very little patience. I can't even imagine what life in the new place will be like. I can't imagine what colors the walls will be or what it will be like to have two bathrooms or to have coffee on the back deck or in the sunroom in the summer morning. I can't wait to see an actual dining room with an actual table and chairs. Or the blue room.

Andy showed me a picture from a magazine of the blue room. It's simply a room with different shades of blue paint (and a great purple couch) and other blue accents, but there was something about the color against the wood floor, the contrast of cool colors, that gave me a sense of comfort and calm and joy all at once. Andy promised me that there would be a blue room in the condo, so I hope we can make one. I think I need one.